It has been 2 months since Abah passed away... And yeah, and I'm... still... well, I believe everyone who has experienced the loss of someone they love feels the same way...lonely... and need someone to be by their side, everytime... But Sis is here!! All my friends are here!!! And I've got Emi-chan and others here at McTyeire too!!
I'm worried about Emak so much... If I can, I want to be with Emak everyday, everytime, everywhere, so that I can still see her when I wake up every morning, I can see her before I go to bed, I can hear her voice telling me to take care of myself. I call Emak everyday since Abah died, because I'm really worried about her, my heart beats so fast when I hold the phone, and when the phone rings and when finally I hear her lovely and pleasant "Hello". And I feel scared whenever my phone rings, whenever someone calls me, I'm scared as if it is a call from Malaysia to tell me someone else in my family is gone. And still... it has been two months, and I still feel that way... lonely..and scared...
I still remember the last things he said to me, he told me to take care, study hard. He asked me to look after my mom, he asked me to study really hard so that my mom's life will get better. He told me to stand up and never give up, and just be myself no matter how hard life can be. He said "A man must be strong" in a weak voice, and I can still hear it until now, it has been playing in my ear since then. And I still cry whenever I think about it... like now...
I didn't even get a chance to see him before he died, I have celebrated Hari Raya without him for two years, and now, I'll never get a chance to celebrate it with him. I really hope I could take his hand and kiss it. I used to kiss his cheeks when he drove me to school. And I used to "fight" with him over the stupidest thing ever, and he will always win. I've experienced his love, his anger... I've seen his dedicated eyes, and his burnt hand he got at work, and his skinny hand and cheek, and his black moustache, his few teeth, and his wrinkled forehead.
I've never felt it is so lovely to say his name, and call him "Abah". But now the fact that he's gone, and I'll never get a chance to call him "Abah" anymore, makes me feel really bad, really sad, really want time to go back to when he's still alive... But that will never happen. Emak, Along and Akak told me that I need to move on, and keep moving on. And Along works really hard, and always smile, and makes jokes, because he doesn't want his brother, his sister, and Emak to be sad. And Akak is going to get married, I still remember Abah's face when he knew she's gonna get married and when Akak got engaged... I've never seen that smile. And the smile he made when we went to Langkawi, and that was the last time I spent my time with him.
He always told me he's so proud of me, he was always energetic and really into it when he talked about how I finally got my dream to study abroad. Yes, for my mom's better life, and mine, I'll do better and much better. And I know Emak really misses him, and can never forget him. And I know she cries everyday, maybe she doesn't shed tears anymore, but her heart cries... still...
It has been two months, but still... sometimes I still feel lonely, and really need someone to by my side. I'm so far away from my family, but I really need them, really want them. I've got Sis here, she's just like my real sister. She cures my loneliness, and bring smiles back to my life. I wish I am his real brother. And I really don't want her to go. But she's graduating soon... :( I wish she'll have a very great life, and a very happy life... oh! oh! and a good husband! hehehe...
Special to:
Emak
Along
Akak Ina
Sis Anis Solihah
And all other friends
Labels: eibeb, family, feeling, love, zuljoe
